Feeling Lonely: It Happens, But What’s Going On?#

Hey there. You know, everyone feels lonely now and then. It hits when you’ve got nobody to sit with at lunch, or maybe you’ve just moved somewhere new and don’t know a soul. Or perhaps nobody’s free on the weekend when you are.

But here’s the thing: over the past few decades, this feeling has become a constant problem for millions of people.

• In the UK, a big chunk – 60% – of folks aged 18 to 34 say they often feel lonely.
• In the US, almost half the population – 46% – feel lonely regularly.

Think about it: we live in a time where we’re more connected than ever before, thanks to all the tech. And yet, way more of us feel isolated than in the past.

It’s important to know that being lonely and being alone aren’t the same thing. You could be totally happy chilling by yourself, or feel miserable even when you’re surrounded by friends. Loneliness is how you feel inside; it’s a personal, subjective experience. If you feel lonely, then you are lonely.

Debunking Stereotypes and Understanding the Biology#

There’s a common idea that lonely people just don’t know how to talk to others or act right in social situations. But studies looking at large groups of people show that social skills actually make almost no difference for adults when it comes to having social connections.

Loneliness can affect anyone. It doesn’t matter if you have money, fame, power, beauty, great social skills, or a wonderful personality. None of that can shield you from loneliness, because it’s actually part of how your body works.

Think of loneliness like hunger. Hunger tells you to pay attention to your body’s physical need for food. Loneliness tells you to pay attention to your need for social connection.

Your body cares about your social needs because, millions of years ago, being connected was a huge factor in whether you survived or not. Natural selection favoured our ancestors who worked together and formed bonds. Our brains got really good at understanding what others were thinking and feeling, and at making and keeping social connections. Being social literally became part of our biology.

Back then, you were usually born into a group of about 50 to 150 people, and you’d likely stay with them your whole life. Getting enough food, staying warm and safe, or taking care of kids was practically impossible on your own. Being together meant survival; being alone often meant death. So, getting along with others was absolutely critical.

For your ancestors, the most dangerous thing wasn’t really being eaten by a lion. It was not fitting in with the group’s social vibe and getting kicked out. To prevent that, your body developed something called “social pain.”

This kind of pain is an evolutionary tool to handle rejection. It acts like an early warning system to make sure you stop doing things that might isolate you. Ancestors who felt rejection more painfully were more likely to change their behaviour when it happened, which helped them stay in the tribe. Those who didn’t feel it as much might get kicked out and likely didn’t survive. That’s why rejection hurts, and it’s a big reason why loneliness feels so awful.

How We Became So Lonely#

These biological systems for keeping us connected worked pretty well for most of human history. But then, humans started building a new kind of world.

The widespread loneliness problem we see today really only began around the late Renaissance. Western culture started focusing a lot more on the individual person. Scholars and thinkers moved away from the group-focused way of the Middle Ages, and new religious ideas (like Protestant theology) emphasized individual responsibility.

This focus on the individual really sped up during the Industrial Revolution. People left their villages and farms to work in factories in growing cities. Communities that had been around for hundreds of years started breaking apart.

As our world rapidly became modern, this trend got even faster. Today, we often move long distances for new jobs, relationships, or school, leaving our social support networks behind. We simply meet fewer people in person, and we see them less often than folks used to.

Look at the US:

• In 1985, the average person had 3 close friends.
• By 2011, that number had dropped to just 2.

Most people don’t mean to become chronically lonely; they just sort of stumble into it. You become an adult, and life gets busy with work, university, relationships, kids, and, well, watching shows online. There just doesn’t seem to be enough time for everything. And often, the easiest thing to cut back on is time spent with friends.

This goes on until one day, you realize you feel isolated and you really miss having close relationships. But finding those deep connections can be tough as an adult, which is how loneliness can become a long-term, chronic issue.

The Serious Health Risks#

Even though humans are amazing at building things like iPhones and spaceships, our bodies and minds are pretty much the same as they were 50,000 years ago. We’re still biologically wired to need each other.

Big studies have shown that the stress caused by chronic loneliness is one of the unhealthiest things a person can experience.

It does a lot of bad stuff:

• It makes you age quicker.
• It makes cancer deadlier.
• It makes Alzheimer’s advance faster.
• It makes your immune system weaker.

Here’s a stark comparison: Loneliness is twice as deadly as being obese, and it’s as dangerous as smoking a pack of cigarettes every single day.

The Vicious Cycle of Chronic Loneliness#

Perhaps the most dangerous thing about chronic loneliness is that once it sets in, it can become a self-feeding problem.

Both physical pain and social pain use similar systems in your brain. They both feel like threats. So, when you experience social pain (like rejection or loneliness), your brain immediately goes into a defensive mode.

When loneliness becomes chronic, your brain shifts into self-preservation mode. It starts seeing danger and hostility everywhere.

But there’s more: Some studies found that when you’re lonely, your brain is much more alert and sensitive to social signals from others. At the same time, it gets worse at figuring out what those signals actually mean. So, you pay more attention to people, but you understand them less.

The part of your brain that recognizes faces can get out of whack. It becomes more likely to see neutral faces as hostile, which makes you distrust others. Loneliness makes you assume the worst about what people intend towards you.

Because you perceive the world as a hostile place, you might become more focused on protecting yourself, becoming more self-centred. This can make you appear colder, unfriendly, or more socially awkward than you actually are.

How to Start Breaking Free#

If loneliness has become a big part of your life, the very first thing you can try is to spot the vicious cycle you might be stuck in.

It often looks something like this:

1. An initial feeling of isolation starts things off.
2. This leads to feelings of tension and sadness.
3. These feelings make you focus only on the negative interactions you have with others.
4. Focusing on the negative makes your thoughts about yourself and others more negative.
5. These negative thoughts change your behaviour.
6. You start to avoid social interaction.
7. Avoiding interaction leads to more feelings of isolation.

This cycle just gets worse and harder to break each time it goes around.

Loneliness might make you:

• Sit far away from others in class.
• Not answer your phone when friends call.
• Decline invitations until people stop inviting you.

We all have a sort of story we tell ourselves about who we are and how the world sees us. If your story becomes “people exclude me,” others can pick up on that. And sometimes, the outside world can end up reflecting how you feel about it inside.

This is usually a slow process, taking years, and it can sometimes lead to depression and a mental state that makes it hard to connect, even if you desperately want to.

Taking Steps to Change#

The first concrete thing you can do to start escaping this is to accept that feeling lonely is completely normal. There’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Seriously, everyone feels lonely at some point. It’s just part of being human.

You can’t just wish or ignore a feeling away. But you can accept that you feel it, and then work on fixing what’s causing it.

Here are some things to look at:

• Your Attention Focus: Think about what you pay attention to. Are you only noticing the negative things? When you had an interaction with someone, was it really negative, or was it neutral, or even positive? What did the other person actually say? Did they say something bad, or did you add extra meaning to their words? Maybe someone seemed short, but they were just busy, not being mean.
• Your Thoughts and Assumptions: Do you always expect the worst from people? Do you walk into a social situation already decided on how it will go badly? Do you assume others don’t want you around? Are you trying so hard not to get hurt that you’re avoiding opening up at all? If so, can you try giving people the benefit of the doubt? Can you just assume they aren’t against you? Can you risk being open and vulnerable again?
• Your Behaviour: Are you avoiding chances to be around others? Are you actively looking for excuses to say no to invitations? Are you pushing people away before they can potentially hurt you, just to protect yourself? Are you acting like you’re constantly under attack? Are you truly looking for new connections, or have you just gotten comfortable being where you are now?

Of course, everyone is unique, and every situation is different. Just thinking about these things alone might not be enough.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If you feel you can’t work through your situation on your own, please try to reach out and get professional help. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of courage.

Whether we see loneliness as a personal problem to solve for happiness or as a major public health crisis, it’s something that needs more attention.

Humans have built a world that is truly amazing with all sorts of shiny gadgets. But none of the things we’ve made can truly satisfy or replace our basic, biological need for connection.

Most animals get what they need from their physical surroundings. We humans get what we need from each other. And we need to build our artificial human world based on that simple fact. (End thought, like with a little chuckle).

Video URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Xv_g3g-mA